After three decades on Earth, a college degree, dozens of shitty jobs, a few good ones, a trail of unsatisfied women and major childhood trauma, I learned a thing or two about life.
But not much more than that.
Despite my clear lack of your perspective and trials, I am going to claim to be an expert on life and give you some cookie cutter tips on how you should live yours.
Think of me as an online fortune teller. I’ll make a bunch of vague statements and convince you I hold the secret to happiness.
Here we go.
Before we go, I wanted to let you know that I am also going to BOLD the tips to keep you focused and entertained on the words.
Yeah, the shit works.
I learned that at multiple jobs and at many seminars.
It’s also for search engine optimization or SEO.
SEO is the reason it’s so hard to find things worth a damn on the internet anymore. Computer nerds figured out search engine algorithms and now ensure their shitty content reaches the top of internet searches. This type of writing manipulates the internet’s algorithms and ensures content with the best SEO scores hit the top of your internet searches, instead of what you’re probably looking for.
But yeah, here’s my arbitrary number of tips on how to stop being a dick or whatever I named this at the beginning.
Shut up. The next time you’re in a conversation, listen to what the other person is saying. Stop waiting for your turn to speak. Don’t offer your experiences or point of view (unless asked). Everyone wants to feel heard. Pay attention to the person speaking and show them you care about what they’re saying (even if you don’t) without judgment.
Put the phone down. Enjoy the moments in your life without a screen. Stop recreating moments to make them Insta-worthy. Does everyone really need to see you clanging glasses at brunch every damn weekend or your kid’s shitty concert? Live your life through your eyes, not behind a screen.
But finish reading this article first before you get away from screens.
Be courteous. Be nice to everyone. Life sucks. It’s mundane. Don’t make it worse for other people by taking out your horribleness on those you interact with. If someone says hi, say hi back. Say thank you if someone holds the door open for you. Tell the truth. Be considerate of your fellow humans. You know, realize it’s not just your world.
Put your shopping cart back in the receptacle. If you’re that lazy that you can’t push a shopping cart a couple hundred feet, you’re probably a piece of shit. There’s an old saying, “The way a person does one thing is the way they do everything.” And so far, the worst people I’ve met in my life don’t return their shopping carts. Therefore, it must be true.
Do something nice for someone else once a day. Buy the person behind you a cup of coffee, surprise a friend with a gift, chat up a stranger, buy a homeless person food… I mean the possibilities are endless.
Driving isn’t a competition. Let people in front of you during traffic jams. Use your turn signal. Don’t get angry at other drivers. Don’t speed up and slow down to mess with another driver. If someone swoops in front of you or cuts you off, don’t get pissed. Maybe they have an emergency, had a bad day or are struggling through some crisis. Driving is a bitch, but we all got to do it. Don’t go into your basic human nature and ‘survival of the fittest’ mode on the roads. That’s called road rage, and it’s dangerous.
And for fuck’s sake, if you’re driving slowly, get the fuck out of the left lane.
Open your mind. Your mind is limited. You don’t know what’s best for everyone. Most of you don’t know what’s best for yourselves. Myself included.
Your opinions aren’t truths. Rather than call someone a name or scream at someone because they disagree with you, hear them out. There’s usually a solid reasoning for the way someone feels about things. Not always, but most times. Just because you don’t understand or refuse to understand, doesn’t make the other person wrong. Most communication is misinterpreted, making conversations matters or perspectives, not truths.
You’re going to die. So am I. So is everyone you love. Regardless of what religion tells you, we have NO IDEA what happens after we leave this Earth. That’s if we leave. Maybe we stay. Or it could just be a whole lotta nothing. So, don’t be angry all the time. Take care of your body, soul, and mind. Take risks. Write shitty blog posts. Love every moment of your life. Surround yourself with positive and diverse people who challenge you. Don’t settle. Be honest. Show compassion. Tell that person how you feel.
Or be that asshole on your deathbed filled with regrets.
But that’s not my problem.